Thursday, 7 June 2012

"What’s It All About Alfie?" Moments

I was fortunate enough to fall pregnant when I was 39 and with four month to go in my pregnancy, I turned the dreaded 40.  I can’t say if my body was going to change into that of a middle aged woman simply because I turned 40 but it suits me to think that I sacrificed it for my pregnancy.  It seems some how, more noble than to say I was heading toward old bagdom anyways.

Of course I’ve had my fair share of those “what’s it all about Alfie” moments.  Introspection is part of life and something we are born with; from tiny babies contemplating their own hands to adults trying to find their purpose, we all wonder at times, what it’s all about. 

My husband ensured that he kept me at home for the first three years of our child’s life, by making financial plans and sacrifices so that we can give our son what we consider to be the best possible chance at life.  I have squirreled and made meal plans.  I had taught myself how to make bread, focaccia and the perfect muffin all out of necessity.  As needs must but the time spent with my son has been invaluable.  I will be returning to part time work most likely next year as my son, Pixel, will then be attending 4 year old kindergarten.  We will need some relief from the relentless grind of having very little money tempered by a whole lot of love and our little son will be confidently exploring the world at kinder.

Two days before Pixel was born, my husband and I moved to live in rural Victoria.  We left our one bedroom apartment and the café latte lifestyle behind and ended up with our own home with an established garden for our little one to play in.

The move was wonderful for our Pixel.  He loves his house and garden and of course, his own room.  It has been more difficult on my husband and me.  My husband drives to the city every day for work and back again every evening.  He does not complain but it is very draining.  This meant that I stayed at home with the baby and no one around me to speak to.  From an active social life, I faced a lonely and isolated one.   I focused all of my energies and attention upon my son and would speak to him about what I was doing or thinking; sometimes just humming to make happy noises in a very quiet house.

I am a very different person as to who I was even three years ago.  Once an active protester and worker/volunteer at Community Legal Services, clubber and concert goer, I have changed fundamentally.  Nowadays I get angry over things like the corporate mentality pervading children’s television by the sacking of a beloved entertainer without regard to what the children actually want.  It is a privilege to entertain children, not a business and with privileges, comes responsibility.  On this issue, my son won’t be watching the unnamed programme again as it will be too difficult to explain to him that his favorite of the four has been sacked because they don’t want to play with him anymore.

Motherhood has been the best experience of my life.  It has fortified me against my father’s death and that of my Mother in Law by giving me a clear sense of purpose.  It has nourished my soul, so to speak.  The unreal reality of death is too much to deal with without being tempered with life. I look at my son and I see a clear future for him of happiness and contentment that I am prepared to do anything to ensure unfolds for him.  I am somewhat of a helicopter Mum I have to admit.  To be more precise, I think I am the one step just before that of a helicopter mum and I am a mother hen or an overly doting mother.  When I sometimes look around and wonder why I am living in the bush, and have one of those “What’s it all about Alfie?” moments I look to my happy little family and it all makes sence.  This is what it’s all about for me and I am grateful to be Pixel’s Mum and married to my ex punk rocker.

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